Ozzy Man Reviews: Mike Tyson vs Jake Paul

TL;DR - Mike survived. Everything before and after the fight is where the gold is at.

How ya go’in legends?

Ozzy Man in written form here on me trusty subby stacky account that ya can follow for free or as a paid wanker if ya wanna keep me alive on and offline (no pressure). I’m an aging millennial that still sees immense value and enjoyment in Web 1.0 style content m8.

Anyway, I’m gonna slam my thoughts down here in a post on the Jake Paul vs Mike Tyson fight because:

a) Doing commentary with the video footage will lead to a worldwide block or copyright takedown from Netflix. It would be a big arse waste of time.

b) I would have to spend hours chopping a finished video up into multiple time codes (long, short, medium lengths), multiple versions, and multiple aspect ratios for YT, FB, IG, Ticky Tocky. I would have to please an algorithm first and foremost, not you, or me. It is a degrading modern feeling on the web.

c) I can’t be fucken fuckity fuckaroo’d being on the microphone this morning, my pipes are husky and sore, and I feel like writing plus adding dank memes to my post is an awesome way to spend a Tuesdee morning. I’m skilled when it comes to compiling shit, like a librarian hey.

Just go with it. Cheers.

Oh. Okay.

Compromise. A dash of technological modernity…

I’ll add an AI clone of me voice for ya in the post that you can listen to or follow along with. How’s that? We’ll skip Web 2.0 (videos) and utilise Web 1.0 (text, 1990’s style) and Web 3.0 (artificial bloody intelligence 2020’s style). No in-between. Fuck off Web 2.0, you’re cooked.

Before I commence my critical analysis of the Paul vs Tyson spectacle here’s a pic of Iron Mike’s butt cheeks alongside a minion to warm ya up:

And that concludes my review of this event. Thanks everyone.

Nah, just kidding.

THE LEAD UP:

I would be lying to ya face if I said I wasn’t looking forward to this fight for months.

The thought of the fight and imagining the fight was ultimately better than the fight.

Some days in the lead up the rational side of me dodgy brain would tell me that Jakey will definitely run over Mikey, surely that would be the reality, it’s a 30-odd-year age gap so there’s no way this will be close.

Other days, I felt the idealistic dreamy side of me dodgy brain fire up and I thought “Oh, if Tyson gets a couple of those power punches in, even just one, he could totally win! This bloke will complete a long redemption arc as a human in general and save 2024 for all of us who are not enjoying it very much! Or those of us who find Jake annoying as fuck.”

Reality will never stop being a shitcunt however…

As we know, the fight was delayed for several months (I think it was meant to be in July, someone else fact check me, I’m not a proper journo, cheers) due to Mike’s health, which he elaborated on more after the fight.

That’s reality.

That’s how it goes. Everybody knows (side quest: name the musician in the comments who sang those words).

My rational side of the brain KNEW this. It bloody knew it!

Yeah. One of the best hits Iron Mike would get in was at the weigh in with his slappy slap after Jake stepped on his toe.

That’s. The. Reality.

My other favourite moment in the lead up to the fight was Mike’s interview with that lovely, optimistic, respectful, legendary young lady who asked him about legacy.

Crikey, she walked into that one. Insert old fashioned LOL. If ya haven’t seen it go seek it out elsewhere. I’m avoiding videos in this post remember?

In a nutshell, he responded by saying legacy is for egotistical dickheads and who gives a flying fuck cause we’re all gonna be bloody cactus soon anyway. Gold.

Listen to AI Ozzy Man for the introduction and the lead up sections of this post (kinda worth it to hear my clone say “fuck fuckity fuckeroo’d”).

THE FIGHT:

The misso and I watched the fight on the couch whilst the maltese shih tzu puppy dog climbed over us seeking love and attention, and the 6 year old human escaped into fortnite in the other room.

Was the fight wild? Nah.

Was the fight exciting? Nah.

Will the fight be memorable for years ahead? Nah.

Did I personally overall enjoy watching the fight?

I think so.

Not at first. In the moment, we all turn into bloodthirsty motherfuckers, right?

Yelling “GO MIKE! FUCK HIM UP!” “Oh come on!” “Yes! Yes! That bit was good! Those 3 seconds were great!”

Was the fight scripted, rigged or the outcome planned in advance?

I dunno. I. Do. Not. Know. I’m not a real journo guys.

I’m not gonna confidently say “yes it was fixed” because I have no evidence of that and people tend to believe other people that say stuff with conviction on the internet, even when they have no evidence, it is a legitimate issue in the world. And an issue I do not like partaking in most days.

So, Ozzy Man has no idea.

From what I could witness with my eyeballs…

Reality kicked in. That bloody word again! Reality.

Mike was fucked by round 3. My eyeballs communicated with me dodgy brain in the moment to tell me he looked absolutely fucked. Borderline limping. Slow. Struggling to muster up the energy for a brawl. That’s what I saw.

Tyson controlled the first two rounds I reckon.

After that, Jake controlled the next 6 rounds and he seemed to adapt his tempo and ferociousness. Love him or hate him, this Jake Paul bloke definitely has a ferocious streak. And he fair dinkum contained it. He bottled that shit right up. Big time. This is according to me eyeballs which witnessed it on the telly and then spoke to my brain within milliseconds.

So is that a rigged fight?

I dunno.

A lot of people justifiably criticised Jake in the lead up, stating that it will be a lose/lose fight for him.

If Mike beats him: He got his arse whooped by a much older bloke.

If he beats Mike: He’s picked on and brutalised a much older bloke beyond his prime as an athlete.

Would Jake have been aware of this pre-emptive feedback?

Of course. I’ll say that with some conviction based on lived experience. Content creators are usually aware of what others say about us narcissistic bastards.

Herein lies where I decided that I liked the fight, or at very least, that I’m cool with it… Doesn’t feel right saying I liked it at all.

Jake Paul potentially showed integrity in the moment. Fuck me dead, that’s weird to write, especially knowing his bro has an inclination for scams with his cryptocurrency shenanigans, but yeah nah nah nah nah yeah the fight ended up being…

Nice.

Ozzy Man is a softy. I feel this is somewhat known if you’ve watched multiple hours of my content. I’m a bit of a pussy.

It’s nice that a 27 year old wanker didn’t bash a 58 year old wanker into the shadow realm on the telly in my living room on a weekend. I’m pleased with that outcome upon further reflection. It’s unique in many ways in the world of combat sports. There’s plenty of other options out there with MMA and reality in general to see brutal violence. Consume it elsewhere with ease.

Also, the fight beforehand - Katie Taylor vs Amanda Serrano - will satiate ya bloodthirsty side. Fuck yes, ladies, fuck yes.

Also, I already pay for Netflix so it’s not like I was short changed as a consumer. Even if there were clauses (and it wasn’t Jake showing integrity) to go easy on Iron Mike’s brain that is potentially riddled with CTE… It’s fine. Logan Paul is definitely the bigger scammer outta those two bros if we wanna go down that rabbit hole.

Mike survived! He’s a troubled bloke when ya dig into his past (and that’s putting it way too nicely), so simply seeing someone work to better themselves and still dabble in their profession later in life is a good thing, I think. Pussies like me enjoy good things, even if they spawn from insanely dark places.

And yeah, the fella made bank. Huge win for his family in a cost of living crisis.

Listen to AI Ozzy Man read out this fight section below. He is pretty cringe to be honest, but he means well and has his moments…

POST-FIGHT:

Sit back and enjoy the memes I say. There was a lot to witness in the stream and a lot of fun online speculating who Jake Paul will fight next.

Sydney Thomas got a fresh influx of male skewed followers online I reckon. Don’t ask me if she has an OnlyFans ya cheeky bastards. I’m married. The OnlyFans website is behind one of the strictest firewalls in the world for me.

Who is next for Jake Paul?

I’m gonna make a guess that the above image has a dash of AI to it.

May as well go through old presidents yeah nah yeah.

10/10 I would watch the above fight for sure.

Your algorithm is gonna show you a lot of Jake Paul vs Muhammad Ali ones once you engage with a singular post on it.

There ya have it legends.

No overall hate from me.

But what about you legends?

Did ya enjoy it? Did ya hate it? Were ya somewhere in between? Or did you never give a fuck about it?

Cheers for being on me Subby Stacky!